The Tale of the Oregon Christmas Tree

The plan was so wonderfully illogical, and I absolutely loved it.   My brother Adam, his wife Savannah and I were all having a wonderful vacation in our La Grande home just a few days before Christmas, 2018. It was Adam’s first time being back in over a decade and Savannah’s first time being there.   Saturday was Adam’s birthday and when I asked him what he wanted to do, he said he wanted to give Savannah the true Oregon experience and for the three of us to get a permit and drive up into the mountains and cut down a Christmas tree, like we used to when he was little. 

The perfect start to the day was our aunt making Adam a special birthday breakfast. Our aunt Max is a force of nature.  She is like having a favorite aunt, best friend, and fairy godmother all at once. When we lived in La Grande, cousin sleepovers were a common occurrence. For a special breakfast treat, Max would often make aebleskivers, which we always called able-skaybbles.  I was delighted when I heard Max was making able-skaybbles for Adam’s birthday breakfast.  Our cousin Kara came over with her husband John and their beautiful baby girl who is all smiles.  We all gathered around the beautifully set table, with Max’s Spode Christmas dishes and red cloth napkins and bright red candles.  Her dining room is so cozy and happy.  Behind the table, is my grandma’s hutch with all of her pretty china.  There are traces of my mother everywhere, as there are little quilts and Christmas decorations she’s given Max over the years.  We ate and ate the golden pancake puffs dipped in melted butter and then in snowy powdered sugar.  After breakfast, Kara and Adam went downstairs to play Super Smash Brothers, like they did when they were kids. 

Later on, Adam, Savannah and I piled into Uncle Mark’s truck and after obtaining one of the two last Christmas tree permits at the local store, we headed off into the mountains we know so well. Our family definitely has a history among the forests and the majestic Grande Ronde River.  I wondered if Adam too was thinking about the fishing trips and picnics, the 6^th grade school field trip to gather wild flowers, and our yearly family trek to find the perfect Christmas tree.   It was great fun to see Savannah be so delighted.  It was clear this place had charmed its way into her heart. We stopped at a few places, getting out to tramp around in the snow and take a look at the trees.  Thankfully it was warmer there than in the valley and I enjoyed the walk through the snow, pausing to pick up little pinecones.  We looked at several trees, but…there was no magic, so we kept on going.  The world around us was so beautiful and quiet.  If it was only for the drive, it was worth it. And then…we saw it.  There were large majestic pine trees standing sentinel, and then just past them was a beautiful clearing with dozens and dozens of perfect Christmas trees, scattered all over little rolling hills.   Magic was most definitely in the air.

As we walked in, even before we started looking at trees, all three of us began to talk of about it as “our place” and make plans of coming back each year for a tree. The only footprints around were a myriad of animal tracks (nothing too big J) and it really did feel like we ourselves had discovered this place and it was somehow ours.  Savannah was thrilled and kept taking pictures to capture the loveliness that surrounded us.  The cold was refreshing, not harsh, as we looked at the different trees and hiked through the snow.  There was one particular spot that Savannah fell in love with and after I took their picture, a little patch of light caught Savannah’s eye in the distance and she said “How about that one?” You want to talk about magic, I am not kidding when I tell you that there was a small ray of sunshine highlighting our tree.  We hiked over to it and it was absolutely perfect.  It was beautiful, with just the right amount of fluffy branches filled with soft green needles.  We all agreed this was the one.  Adam took out the saw and looking so much like Dad, he sawed down the tree, giving Savannah her turn to saw and complete her perfect Oregon experience.  We took our treasure back to the road and as we left the beautiful clearing, Adam put a pin in the maps on his phone so we can find our place again.  Reason about #41,000 why I adore my brother: he named it “Christmas Tree Wonderland.”

We put the tree in the back of the truck and piled back into the cab, Savannah declaring that was one of the coolest things she’d ever done.  We listened to Christmas songs on our way back, delighting in the gift of the experience we’d just had.  The next day Adam and Uncle Mark tied that tree on top of Adam and Savannah’s little red car and we took it all the way back to Utah with us.  We put it up in our parent’s basement, decorating it together on Christmas Eve with dollar store decorations.  Before Adam and Savannah left to go home to Arizona, he sawed some of the branches off, taking a piece of the trunk because reason #41,0001 why I adore my brother, he planned to carve a nutcracker out of it.  I took the branches and put some in mason jars filled with vinegar to make homemade pine cleaner.  The fun of our special tree continues. 

Yes, it may have been illogical for us to go into the Oregon mountains to chop down a Christmas tree and then drive all the way back to Utah with it, two days before Christmas.  But in a world where the message is so often to simplify, cut back, “let’s not and say we did,” etc., I worry that sometimes we forget that the special things have their place too.  Our special day will always be one of my favorite Christmas memories now.  It was the perfect way to celebrate my Christmas-loving brother and to bring a little magic to all of us.

The Tale of the Four Word Message from Elder Holland I Desperately Needed.

December of  2017 was a difficult month, far more than I actually let on to anyone.  I was dealing with a new full-time work schedule and trying to write two Christmas programs.  Our family was going through some tough times.  After dealing with an additional disappointment that shook me up, I decided I needed to take a trip to my Oregon home for a few days.  The night before I left, I had one of scariest nights of my life and another terrible disappointment. The day I got back from my trip, my brother and his wife suffered a devastating loss and a big change I had been expecting but dreading happened, further shaking my world.

Christmas and all of its delights came and I felt happier and more at peace.  But as the Christmas magic ended, and the lights around me and inside me started to go out, my troubles started to haunt me again.  I had the chance to spend a Saturday evening by myself at the end of the month and I had plans to rest and replenish.  But again I was disappointed as I spent past midnight dealing with an ugly situation.  As I laid in bed that night, my mind spinning and my heart hurting.  I felt lost, confused, and so very tired of everything. The next morning was Sunday.  I had a choice.  I could go to church or I could stay home and spend a few precious hours to myself I felt I desperately needed. There was no one at my house who would care if I went to church or not.  “Surely God would understand this one time,” I thought to myself.  Surely He knew that I could use some time alone and would not mind if I skipped just this once. 

I went back and forth a lot the next morning and in the end, I don’t know really what it was that got me to church.  Yes, I do believe that God would have understood had I chosen to stay home, but more importantly, He was aware of me and what I needed and He knew that I needed much more than bath bubbles and a good book.  During Sacrament Meeting, I felt the Spirit but still felt distracted, like I was half-there.  After Sacrament Meeting, I walked down the hall to Sunday School, smiling at my friends as I passed by, but inside I was still hurting.  That year we were studying Doctrine and Covenants and as the last lesson of the year, the Gospel Doctrine teachers were assigned to teach on a talk Jeffrey R. Holland gave about Joseph Smith’s experience in Liberty Jail.  I listened as the teacher talked about Joseph’s trials that refined him and the beautiful revelations that came from that terrible time.  While my trials were nothing compared to Joseph’s, I felt a connection with and a gratitude for Joseph in a way I hadn’t before.  At the end of the lesson, the teacher played a recording of Elder Holland’s concluding testimony.  It was a typical Elder Holland testimony, full of beautiful encouraging and inspiring words, spoken with his classic fervor.  I listened intently and then I heard these words:

“In the words of the Liberty Jail prison-temple, my young friends: Hold on thy way.  Fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.”

Suddenly it felt like the other people in the room had disappeared.   I felt as though Elder Holland was there, kneeling down in front of me and looking me directly in the eyes delivering to me the exact message  I needed. “Hold on thy way.” Four words that struck with such power and love, that I find myself tearing up writing about it now.  I knew that Heavenly Father was aware of my circumstances and He wanted me to continue on, just as I am, relying on the Savior to help strengthen me and guide me. 

As a youth and a leader, I have said the words to the Young Women theme many, many times.  But after that experience, I saw things differently when I thought about the value of integrity.  I have always thought about integrity in the sense of being honest, and true to what you know to be right.  But I think integrity is also being true to who you are, just as you are with all of the wonderful gifts you have to bless others, and all the weaknesses you have, ready to be turned into strengths through the Atonement.  As one of my favorite quotes says, “The world is collapsing, but that doesn’t mean our own world has to collapse to make up for it.  When everything seems to be lacking in integrity, do you know what you do? You find it in yourself.  You change the world, right from where you are standing.”

In the past year since that experience, those four words have rung out from my heart many times.  They have become my personal motto, a “Title of Liberty” to remind me of my purpose when my world does feel like it is collapsing.  As my friend Rachel Macy Stafford would say, “My friends, whether we are facing life’s small mysteries or gigantic ones, whether we are facing mysteries for ourselves, our loved ones, our the world in it’s troubling state, I am certain this is how we must deal.  We must…

Carry on

Bake on

Sing on

Decorate on

Strum on

Praise on

Pray on

Dance on

Love on

Believe on

Twinkle on

Inhale on

Exhale on…

Because when we do, our people are thankful we joined in.

Because we do, we see, smell and taste beautiful things we may have missed.

Because when we do, angst diminishes and hope swells.”

I know that as we turn to God, we can be blessed with the strength, fortitude and joy to "hold on our way" rejoicing that "Heaven is cheering us on today, tomorrow and forever!" 

Studying my family history was delightful!

As part of my 101 things in 1001, I wanted to read at least 10 family history stories.  This was a last minute addition, due to a fabulous speaker we had at girl's camp this year.  I absolutely loved this experience.  Here are some things I wanted to share. 

My great-great-great grandmother, Ann Ham Hickenlooper, left England and a fiance after hearing the missionaries speak and gaining a testimony.  It broke her heart to leave her fiance but he told her he could never support her new found faith.  She was part of the first handcart company to come to Utah.  She writes in her journal of the joys and sorrows that company had.  President Brigham Young and others came to help them and they brought a present of watermelons which were wonderful.  Ann tasted the watermelon and it brought back her voice.  She had suffered with a sore throat and could barely speak for three weeks.  When she told the prophet this, he became emotional and could only whisper "God bless you sister." Because of this story, I have decided to start the tradition of having a watermelon every year on the 24th of July. 

She married William Haney Hickenlooper. She was a nurse and she and her husband would be called to the bedside of the sick all the time.  She would take care of them as a nurse and he would administer Priesthood blessings.  Her husband was said to have the gift of healing.  They were a terrific team. 

My great-great-great aunt was Olympia Brown, a staunch supporter of women's suffrage. She went to college and was told in her speech classes that women weren't required to memorize their speeches like the men.  She memorized every single speech.  She became the first women ordained minister.  Because she was such a fabulous speaker, Susan B. Anthony continually sought her help with the suffragist movement.  She delivered 300 speeches in one summer. 

Another great-great-great grandmother was Mary Ann Burnhope Wallace.  She gave birth to 11 children and only raised two to adulthood.  She had three sets of twins and all died except one. Her husband was in a polygamist marriage and when his second wife came down with small pox, Mary Ann nursed her night and day until she died.  That wife left behind one little boy and when she saw her husband worrying about what would become of his son she said, "No one but me can have him, for he is yours," and she raised him and loved him as her one.  She studied obstetrics and practiced as a midwife for many years. 

My great-great-grandmother Elizabeth Carlton Wallace Hickenlooper loved theater and loved to dance and sing.  She met her husband because she had been cast as the lead in a play and Orson Hickenlooper and another boy volunteered to go pick her up and drive her to the hall each night for rehearsals.  After Orson's turn the first night, he told the other boy that his services would no longer be required.  She lost every single one of her sisters due to tragic illnesses.  When she herself was sick with small pox, her father prayed to know what to do and was given the answer to make her cinnamon tea, which helped with her symptoms. 

There was another woman who came up in these stories who inspired me and made me very curious, she was the sister of Mary Ann and aunt of Elizabeth.  Her name was Betsy and both women talk of her coming to take care of them during difficult times.  I don't know much else about her, other than she had a rather large family of her own to take care of.  But both Mary Ann and Elizabeth talk of her coming for long periods of time and the sweet and tender care she gave.  I want to learn to minister like Aunt Betsy. 

I also got a chance to read a journal that my grandma kept.  That was precious.  I loved reading things about her I didn't know.  We weren't particularly close, but I felt so much closer to her after that.  She wrote about a time when I came to visit and we went to the beach.  She loved the Oregon Coast more than anything.  She really was a writer and expressed herself so beautifully through those journals.  She even chose a pen name,  based partly on the love she had for copper dishes.  Hmm...loved Oregon, writing, and dishes.  Sound like anyone you know? 😉 I had to chuckle about how many times she used the word "delightful" to describe something in her day.  I use that word all the time! No, she wasn't the ideal grandma, but she was mine and I love her for it. 

This was a wonderful experience.  I treasure these stories and hope to learn many more.  I highly recommend getting to know your ancestors through their stories.  I loved it!

  The older woman is Betsy Carlton Burnhope Mattison.  I am excited to meet her some day!

40, "The Year of Adventure"

Hey friends!

I was a little afraid of this birthday, feeling the typical "over the hill" feeling, particularly because I don't have a husband and kids yet.  However,  I've decided that this year is going to be absolutely fabulous.  This year, is going to be my year of adventure.  It started out with a fabulous Bear Lake adventure today with one of my favorite friends.  I loved it! I have a few other trips/experiences in the works.  One of them is a trip to Scottsdale AZ to meet one of my favorite authors. I am SO excited! It is going to be a fabulous year!

My gospel goal is continuing over from last year.  I am attempting to read all of the General Conference talks that are on lds.org.  It has been such a wonderful project and I have learned so much.  I have one more conference in 1979 and then I am done with the 70s.  I'm excited to start on the 80s!

And last but not least, here is my cooking list for the year!

1) Zephyr pancakes
2) Lorann oil snow cone syrup
3) Philadelphia strawberries and cream ice cream
4) Vanilla butter mints
5) 15 minutes homemade root beer
6) Homemade corn chips
7) Loaded baked potato soup
8) Homemade rainbow sherbet
9) Homemade German roasted pecans
10) Blackberry cobbler baked oatmeal
11) Five spice ginger molasses cookies
12) Thick and rich best ever french toast
13) Best ever snickerdoodle cookies
14) The best applesauce
15) Frozen Brazilian lemonade
16) Berries and cream dessert
17) Candy cane muddy buddies
18) Strawberry frosty
19) Straticella sweet cream ice cream
20) The most amazing cornbread
21) Summer berry delight jam
22) Cinnamon steel-cut oats with brown sugar streusel and fresh peaches
23) Boxcar Children stew
24) Orange hot chocolate
25) Four star cornmeal butterflake biscuits
26) Rich egg turbans
27) Sweet cream southern peach frappe
28) Scottish lemon sugar shortbread
29) Best baked mac and cheese
30) Orange spice cake
31) Amish strawberry shortcake
32) Always soft and creamy honey better
33) New York raspberry ice cream soda.
34) Disney puffed French toast
35) Lime coconut honey
36) Homemade mashed potatoes
37) Lisa Yockelson cinnamon toast
38)  All butter peanut butter cookies
39) Candy cane soft serve
40) Pie crust biscotti

I'm excited! It's going to be awesome!

40 things I've learned in 40 years

So grateful for this wonderful life of mine and for all the things I've learned so far! There are so many more adventures to have and lessons to learn.  As I've thought about this milestone birthday, here are some important life lessons I've learned along the way.

1) The difference between giving up and letting go, is that giving up is about fear.  Letting go is about faith.

2)  Change is not about eradicating your comfort zone.  It's about expanding it.

3) Forgiveness means that you no longer use a person's past mistakes as a yardstick for measuring other people in your life.

4) The true art of simplifying is not found in the elimination of what it special, but rather in the ability to find the special in what is simple.

5)  Whenever we assume and define God's will as whatever is the opposite of our own, we could be missing out on the things that God wants for us that we want too.

6) One of the great fallacies among many members of the church is that they assume that they only need to be spiritually born again, and therefore remain toddlers all their lives.  We are spiritually born again, and then we must spiritually grow up --Learned from Brother Satterfield, my college religion professor.

7) At any time, in any circumstance, it is possible to make a little magic. --My mom taught me that!

8) Being humbled is not about God setting us up to fail so we can learn a lesson.  It's about learning where our true strength lies.

9) God's protection doesn't mean He will stop whatever we don't want to happen from happening. Sometimes he does stop the bad thing from happening.  Some times he lessens the effects.  Some times he strengthens us so we can't feel the burdens.  I don't know or understand everything, but I do know that God is never blind-sided. 

10) If we listened to the inner critic we would never do anything because we would never have enough time or talent and there would always be better things to do. 

11)  "I am a child of God and He has sent me here."

12)  Life is full of wonderful surprises if we are open to them. 

13) "Believe in your associates.  Believe in your companions.  Believe in others.  Don't go around tearing people down.  The Lord doesn't want that.  He doesn't want us to spend our time destorying others.  He expects us to build and sustain and cultivate and nurture and strengthen our associates.  Wonderful things happen when you go forth with that kind of attitude" President Hinckley.

14) When something is troubling you, put it on the altar and let the Lord give you back the strength to deal with it--Learned from my friend Vicki Wilkins

15) It says in the Bible that we are supposed to be the salt of the Earth.  The thing about salt is that you can't describe it. It's unique and the only one of its kind.  That's what we should be.  Satan is all about counterfeit and copies.  Salt is unique.  Children of God are unique.--Learned from Brian Steiner

16) To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts--Henry David Thoreau

17) Being strong and proud and being strong and humble are two very different things--Learned from Erica Steiner

18)  There are times when I have a "Gadiantion Robber" inside my head, robbing me of my peace.  Do I build it up, or cast it out?

19) "Suffer the little children to come to me." He still calls that to the little girl inside of me.

20) I am a priority to our Savior and Heavenly Father and so is everyone who has ever lived. 

21) "One plus God is sufficient." --Learned from Virginia H Pearce

22) "With intellectual curiosity,  the world will always be full of magic and wonder" --Learned from Marjorie Hinckley.

23) "Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey and share our love with friends and family." --Learned from President Monson

24) "You did then what you knew how to do.  And when you knew better, you did better."--Learned from Maya Angelou

25) You are never too old to love a doll or cherish a teddy bear

26) Home truly is where the heart is.

27) You may not have a plan but God ALWAYS does.

28) Service is joy.  --Learned from Cindy Hall (In addition to how to paint a room, fix a fence, and use an electric sander.)

29) We all have things we can work on, ways we can be better.  Let this inspire you, not condemn you.

30) Trials are gifts in so many ways, but an important one is because we "get it" when people we love are going through their own trials-- My dad taught me that

31) Journeys are different.  Each person's is special and unique and if something is true for one person, it doesn't always mean it is true for someone else.

32) Take more time for play and self-care --Learned from  Brian Steiner

33) Friendships as well as families are forever.--Learned from Neal A. Maxwell

34) If you can endure to the end, you will have eons of perfect days--Learned from Rhonda Shelton

35) Let's  choose to focus on our contributions, not our deficiencies. Because someone breathes easier when we are near.--Learned from Rachel Macy Stafford)

36) The difference between an ordeal and an adventure is your attitude.

37) Integrity isn't just about being honest and being true to what you know is right.  It's about being true to yourself, who you are, and how you see the world.

38) Heavenly Father is truly in the details of our lives.

39) "Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life." Learned from Mark Twain

40) "When you swallow food, it goes down your esophagus, NOT your asparagus." --Learned from Jack.  💓😆

101 things in 1001 Days

Hey all!

I have come up with a new 101 things in 1001 days list of goals I want to accomplish and experiences I want to have.  This is my second list.  I didn't finish the first list but I made this one a little more realistic and I am so excited to start! If you haven't heard of this, it is a fun way to set goals and have fun experiences.  It's pretty simply, make a list of 101 things you want to accomplish in 1001 days! I'll keep you posted as I complete the list!

1) Go to the Thanksgiving Point tulip festival
2) Go to Great Salt Lake
3) Paint ten pictures--Loving my new hobby!
4) Enter the WOW Women on Writing contest--It is a fun National contest.  I've won the short story contest before.  Maybe I'll enter the creative non-fiction contest. 
5) Submit something to the Ensign--A goal I've had for awhile
6) Submit a family name to the temple--I've actually never done it and I'm excited to learn how!
7) Make lemon beeswax  furniture polish--Yes, I'm a domestic dork but I can't wait to try this!
8) Start a new tradition--I love traditions!
9) Watch the Grey Gardens documentary--I am fascinated by the story of the Beale women!
10) Make a quilt--I want to do a patchwork quilt with one square representing someone I love.
11) Make dishes decorated with Sharpie markers--Always wanted to try this!
12) Make homemade pine cleaner--cleaning vinegar + pine needles
13) Write a kindle book about traditions for Amazon
14) Go to a temple I've never been before
15) Learn the language of flowers--Excited to learn what different flowers mean.
16) Invent a new recipe
17) Go to Evermore Park--Can't wait for it to open!
18) Write a fairy tale
19) Write a Little Women missing story--Coming on the 150th anniversary of Little Women coming out.
20) Go to Riverton Park.--One of my favorite parks growing up.  Haven't been in over 20 years.
21) Have a random acts of kindness day--Excited to plan!
22) Find my signature waffle recipe--I love waffles!
23) Get something at the Bluebird soda fountain--Never been but always wanted to go!
24) Make my own milk bath
25) Go to the National Parks 3D adventure--another cool experience at Thanksgiving Point!
26) Make homemade bath fizzies
27) Go see a dermatologist
28) Host a childhood potluck--Everyone brings a comfort food from childhood
29) Go to First Dam and feed the ducks
30) Take a class in something
31) Cook a turkey
32) Make big bubbles--Another thing I've never done but always wanted to
33) Visit a museum--I love museums! It's a dream of mine to go to the Smithsonian
34) Make five loaves of bread--Want to improve my bread making skills
35) Go on a picnic
36) Make a roast beef with all the trimmings
37) Make my own snow globe
38) Do the butterfly habitat--Gives the chance to watch caterpillars turn into butterflies
39) Go to the aquarium in Sandy
40) Make pancakes with orange sugar--You sprinkle orange zested sugar on top of the pancake as soon as it is done. Sounds so good.
41) Finish Personal Progress as a leader
42) Get a papsmear and a mammogram
43) Make an embroidered dish towel or a pillowcase
44) Make the chiffon pie--Vanilla mousse, fresh raspberries, enough said
45) Make someone breakfast in bed.
46) Make naturally dyed Easter eggs
47) Make homemade peanut butter cups for Halloween
48) Get certified in first aid and CPR
49) Do a "This is me" photo shoot--an idea I've wanted to do for awhile
50) Make homemade cracker jacks with prizes
51) Go to Bear Lake--I want to go to the "cool" side.  Apparently the only times I've been I've been to the wrong side.
52) Make homemade pasta
53) Make homemade Christmas candles
54) Go on a hike with Vicki
55) Make my own yogurt crumble
56) Have a European feast of croissants and hot chocolate
57) Try one new hairstyle
58) Make a Serendipity sundae--From the Serendipity ice cream shop in New York
59) Make campfire muffins in orange peels
60) Read 10 family history stories
61) Have a classic game night--Clue, scrabble, card games, all the classics
62) Grow a plant from a seed.
63) Get a Hokalia snow cone
64) Try a new fruit
65) Have a game night with the Binghams--Ready any time you are Tracy!
66) Submit hymn lyrics for the new hymn book
67) Write five memoir stories
68) Watch a classic movie I've never seen before.
69) Make a braided loaf of bread
70) Get some cheese at Gossners
71) Walk the new Logan River Trail
72) Write a letter to the editor of the paper
73) Take a personal day off of work that is just for me
74) While I'm in La Grande, cook dinner or make dessert for MacDonalds and Pettits together
75) Rediscover a favorite childhood summertime ritual or pastime
76) Make a tablecloth
77) Research how to pick the perfect watermelon and successfully pick 5
78) Have a summer breakfast party
79) Have a Disney night
80) Make homemade lemon soap
81) Do the 56 lists--A lists of lists I found on Pinterest to help you when you are feeling down.
82) Learn how to make paper frogs
83) Read all of Elder Maxwells BYU/I/Hawaii devotional talks
84) Learn how to make handkerchief dolls
85) Make stained glass window cookies--a childhood Christmas cookies
86) Make a comfort drawer
87) Make 5 salads
88) Have an Altoids tin challenge with Adam--We  each try to build something cool with an Altoids tin
89) Make a special delivery breakfast to someone of homemade pancake mix and syrup
90) Have a summer picnic in January
91) Invite neighbors over for homemade ice cream under the paper lanterns
92) Do a cereal cafe
93) Watch the sunrise in La Grande
94) Make essential oil play dough
95) Make cheese fondue
96) Have a milk and cookies party
97) Make a fairy garden
98) Make fried chicken
99) Clean out my closet/drawers
100) Make a fancy cake
101) Read the list of happy books I made several years ago.

Going to be a great 1001 days! End date: March 27th, 2021!

An Easter Story

               

This was not a story that actually happened at Easter, but it is a very precious one that I’ve been thinking about all day.   A few years ago, I was looking through Facebook and saw a blog article posted about challenges that single LDS people face.  I was curious to read it and see what another single LDS person had to say about challenges they faced.  Maybe I would find a kindred spirit in the words.  I opened the article and started to read the different challenges.  “Number 1: You are no one’s first priority.”  As I read those words, a terrible, noxious weed took root in my heart.  I knew I had many, many, people who loved and helped me, but it was true, I wasn’t anyone’s first priority.  I knew my friends loved me but I felt I was bothering them if I needed them because they needed to focus on their families.  I felt the same way in my own family, because each of my siblings had their families to focus on and I knew my parents first priority is each other. For months I struggled with that weed in my heart and the guilt I felt over feeling like I was being selfish made it worse.  I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling, but pleaded with the Lord to help me. 

That summer, I had the chance to participate in another girl’s camp.  Those special experiences are always a treasure to me.  Having the chance to serve my sweet girls and my friends all day made me feel better during the day but I still struggled with my feelings at night and pleaded for help.  The night of the testimony meeting, we had a special guest speaker first.  The talk was about remaining optimistic during trials and was very powerful.  I was feeling the Spirit as I walked through the field toward the camp fire to start the testimony.  It was dusk and the air was sweet and cool.  As I walked with my friend and watched the girls walk together over the fire, suddenly an image flooded my mind.  It was an image of my Savior’s hands reaching out to me.  I could clearly see the nail prints in his hands and the scripture came to my mind “Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.” And then a clear prompting came to my mind and heart.  “You are my first priority, and so are all your brothers and sisters.” The thought overwhelmed me.  I didn’t understand it.  I couldn’t comprehend it.  How could I be the Savior of the whole world’s first priority along with all the people who have ever been? Could the Atonement really be that individual and special? But even though I didn’t understand, through the Holy Ghost I knew that it was true.  I felt love fill my heart and root out that noxious weed.  It was a miracle.  I looked around at the beautiful mountains, the twinkling stars coming out in the silvery blue sky.  I watched my wonderful girls walk together and felt so much love for them.  I looked over at the faithful friend walking beside me and saw the rest of my dear friends I serve with gathering together at the campfire.  I thought of each member of my family, of my Oregon home and all of my people there, my mission, my college life, and all of the experiences, lessons, and people who have been a part of my life.  I know the Lord loves me and is aware of me because of all of those gifts he has given me. 

That experience was a few years ago.  There have been many times since then when I have slipped back into feeling sorry for myself because of what I don’t have.  But on this wonderful holiday, I always remember that sweet little story of mine, of the day when the Atonement became so real and personal to me.   I know that Christ lives and that he is in the details of our lives, because we are all individually his first priority.  I will be forever grateful.

  Photo credit, Del Parson mormonartist.net