General Conference Saturday

 I listened.

But didn't really hear...at first. 

(Thank goodness for the printed messages)  

By the time the first session ended, my mind was swirling. 

I need to be more focused on the Savior. 

I need to be a better ministering sister. 

I started to cry while talking to my mom. 

Because my feet really hurt and I am so tired 

And I am failing at so many things. 

But then I was running errands between sessions, 

listening to a sweet little book on Audible. 

A boy was talking about a poem his father had written for him. 

And there was this line...

"I am the light that will never go out." 

I felt the Spirit of my Father. 

Saying those exact same words to me. 

And I was reminded for probably around the 600,000th time. 

That feeling of not being enough? 

That's the other guy.  

The guy that really wants you to think that God will not show up for you. 

And therefore get you to stop showing up for God. 

"I am the light that will never go out." 

That's the point of Conference. 

That's the point of ALL OF IT 

Lights that will never go out. 

Never abandon. 

God the Father and our Savior. 

What a blessing! 

A Psalm

                                                                 A Psalm 

Father of Lights, Creator of All that Delights

Thou hast whispered to my heart that I am Thy child.  

There exists a veil between me and the childhood I spent at Thy side
But I can still hear the lullabies of the spirit, soothing me once again, as long ago.

Thou dost nurture me still through beauty, words, and music. 
Thou hast placed guiding stars of friends and mentors along my path. 

I thank Thee for summer days, the scent of rain, and golden sunsets. 
I thank Thee for my family and the promise of eternity together.  

I love Thee for seeing me so clearly, and knowing my heart so completely.  
And I love Thee for the gentle ways Thou teachest me to know Thy heart as well.

I know Thou hast rejoiced in my victories and smiled at my heart’s delights. 
And even as Thou hast consecrated them for my good, wept at my sorrows.

Thou art my North Star throughout change.  
And the champion of my best self. 

I thank Thee the most for the gift of Thy Son. 
For “The Way, the Truth and the Life.” 

I am grateful that through Him, came the gift of repentance.  
For it is the very way I grow and thrive and flourish. 

And I strive to know Thee better, I take a look deep inside. 
I look for traces of spiritual DNA and see how I may one day be like Thee. 

For I know that I am Thy child, and all the best in me flows from Thee. 
And there are lights and delights I will discover in myself, for eons of time to come.

Reading The Book of Mormon in the Temple

 Sometimes when one of 101 things is over, it was such an extraordinary experience that I wish I could do it all over again. That’s what this one was like. I was sad to have it over! It wasn’t long after I made the goal to read The Book of Mormon that I knew I what I wanted to do this time around. I wanted to read the entire Book of Mormon in the temple.  

I gained my testimony of The Book of Mormon at a youth conference when I was 14 years old. For three days, we lived stories from The Book of Mormon and it was when I was walking back to my cabin after living the story of Abinadi in King Noah’s court, that I had one of the clearest and most important impressions of my life came in three simple words. “It all happened.”  

Those words came back to me during this experience. I read when I could as a patron. I read on my breaks as an ordinance worker and any other chance I got. When I read, it seemed as though I transported into the world of the Nephites and the Lamanites. It was all so real to me. It was like I could see their faces and was experiencing their joys and sorrows. My favorite place to read was the small quiet sister ordinance worker’s lounge. It has one of my favorite peaceful paintings in it and soft fuzzy blankets and comfy sofas.

I couldn’t wait for my breaks so that I could sit in the lounge with one of the blankets on me and disappear into that world. I felt like Bastian from the old Neverending Story movie, completely enveloped in this extraordinary book. I could see the Tree of Life so clearly in my mind. It was like I was there when I read the words of King Benjamin’s speech. I was thrilled as Moroni raised the Title of Liberty, felt Abish’s overwhelming joy as she witnessed the conversion of her people, felt Helaman’s relief as he realized is 2060 “sons” were safe, and I felt Mormon’s utter devastation as the Nephites were destroyed. I felt chills during Christ’s visit to the America and wished so badly that I could have been there to see Him and to be healed by Him.  

As I reached Moroni 10, I decided to finish in one of the chapels in the temple. I was all by myself and I just listened to organ playing hymns and soaked in the words of Moroni. I prayed that I can always remember “how merciful the Lord has been to the children of men” and that I will always seek Jesus in my life. It was a defining and beautiful moment.  

I know the stories are real. The people lived, laughed, wept, danced, learned, and loved. I know the principles and doctrines are real. I know they are the word of God. I know that Joseph Smith translated The Book of Mormon by the gift and power of God. I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real and The Book of Mormon is designed to help us become close them. I am so grateful for the chance that I had to read The Book of Mormon in the temple. It truly was a life changing experience!!  

A NEW 101 things in 1001 days list!

 1: Float down a river. This is something I've always wanted to do but have always been a bit too chicken to do it! 

2: Make homemade funnel cakes.  Sounds like so much fun! 

3: Create my own punch recipe.  Would love a signature one for special occasions. 

4: Make five crafts and do five science experiments with kiddos. Always fun! 

5: Visit three Utah lakes I've never been to.  Lakes are part of my soul landscape. 

6: Create my own stove-top potpourri.  I'm kind of a scent nerd. 

7: Have an autumn bonfire.  Complete with roasted apples and caramel on top. 

8: Try five new cookie recipes.  Enough said. :) 

9: Develop a hygge challenge and do it.  I love a beautiful hygge challenge! 

10: Make salt-dough Christmas ornaments.  A favorite childhood past time. 

11: Go to Wallowa Lake again.  One of my favorite places close to my Oregon home. 

12: Go to Lucky Peak.  A childhood favorite spot and haven't been back in over thirty years. 

13: Go foraging in the woods and make Christmas/forest potpourri.  Again, scent nerd. 

14: Create my own jam recipe.  

15: Go to Elmer's Pancakes again.  My favorite eating place as a child. 

16: Make a notebook of all of Brother Satterfield's selected quotes.  My college religion professor has an arsenal of quotes about a variety of topics and I want to put them all in a book. 

17: Make my own "hiking" candle.  I love hiking candles and their woodsy scents. I want to try to make my own. 

18: Take an old-fashioned seaside holiday.  Throwback to the Victorian era. 

19: Memorize 25 scriptures. 

20: Learn a hymn in ASL. 

21: Be able to play all the hymns in the simplified hymn book. 

22: Have a black and white movie festival.  A tribute to the best of the black and white film days and some old-fashioned classy treats. 

23: Make homemade popsicles with Max for pool time.  Pool time at my aunt's is the best. 

24: Go apple picking. 

25: Write 3 original stories 

26: Make homemade firestarters and fire sachets to use at Max's while we are there. 

27: Make my own fabric napkins. 

28: Go on a field trip.  A throwback to a favorite school activity. 

29: Pick huckleberries on Mt. Emily. The beautiful mountain that watches over La Grande. 

30: Make spring fabric conditioner: Lemon and mint, one of my favorite scent combos. 

31: Make Valentine's Day heart necklaces for friends.  Another favorite childhood past time. 

32: Make homemade rainbow sherbet.  Recipe includes freshly squeezed orange juice, freshly squeezed lime juice and real raspberry puree.  

33: Make German roasted pecans. 

34: Have a Gilmore Girls Slumber Party.  

35: Do the penny challenge. A fun way to save money! 

36: Make the Christmas tree lot room spray. 

37: Make flower cupcakes 

38: Write my own psalm. 

39: Make Abeulita's hot chocolate.  A gorgeous recipe from a book I read. 

40: Make my own dirty soda creation. 

41: Create my own springtime bouquet.  

42: Plan and prepare a Christmas box like Uncle Carl. My mom's uncle was a master at Christmas treat boxes! 

43: Make a doll Easter dress and decorate a doll's hat. 

44: Make my own lip balm and perfume. 

45: Have five family breakfasts outside in the orchard. 

46: Make a bead necklace or ring. 

47: Visit Rexburg again. 

48: Make pine pitch salve. 

49: Create a living Easter basket 

50: Read the temple dedication prayers for all the temples in my history. 

51: Make coffee filter flowers. 

52: Write a children's poem. 

53: Make seed paper and wildflower bombs. 

54: Make mini lemon and apple orchards. 

55: Take a class in maple tapping. 

56: Try fresh goat's milk 

57: Pack a picnic surprise for someone. 

58: Have a focaccia bread art night. 

59: Throw a children's Christmas party. 

60: Have a Christmas treat-making night at Max's. 

61: Make paper beads. 

62: Finish the 100 Women quilt 

63: Make 3 homemade cleaning products. 

64: Read the Book of Mormon again. 

65: Make sea-glass stepping stones. 

66: Make homemade apricot scrub. 

67: Learn to make paper cranes

68: Go horseback riding. Believe it or not, I've never been! 

69: Go to five mid-single activities. 

70: Make mini-pies for friends. 

71: Watch 10 of Hugh Nibley's Pearl of Great Price videos. 

72: Have a wiener roast in the mountains with friends. 

73: Make my own raspberry mint soap.  A favorite summer scent! 

74: Put together 4 menus and prepare them. 

75: Have a "Selection" spa and make-over party.  Complete with vanilla lotion and maybe some strawberry tarts? 

76: Go for 101 walks. 

77: Do an altoid tin challenge with Adam. 

78: Go see a dermatologist. 

79: Do 101 temple ordinances. 

80: Make a bakery style cake. 

81: Have all the cancer preventative check-ups I need. 

82: Have a random acts of kindness day. 

83: Have the Boxcar children party. A summer party I dreamed up. 

84: Paint 3 pictures. 

85: Do the "Simple Abundance" experience again.  A daily inspirational read by Sarah Ban Breathnach. 

86: Make a May Day basket. 

87: Recreate five old pictures. 

88: Make homemade donuts. 

89: Have a toy bell choir concert with the kiddos. 

90: Have a fancy doll tea party for the kiddos. 

91: Travel somewhere I've never been. 

92: Sing in church. 

93: Stay in a Air B and B tree house. 

94: Make maple sugar candy. 

95: Go to a restaurant I've never been to before. 

96: Go to Ballet Under the Stars again.  An event in Murray park I loved as a child. 

97: Throw a Roald Dahl birthday party. 

98: Have a regular dentist appointment every six months. 

99: Restore my childhood American Girl doll. 

100: Do the Tinnissippi river activity with kiddos 

101: Take a DNA test. 

It's gonna be an AWESOME 1001 days! 

Sunday Thoughts: One Magic Thing

            I know God answers prayers.  I know this because of the many, many times he has answered mine and for the stories I’ve heard of many, many, and others.  I had one prayer answered this week.  I was having a bad day on Friday and was struggling with a few things. I prayed that I could have just one fun surprise…one magical thing happen.  Things got better that night and I felt more comforted.  I thought that it would be fun to go to the farmer’s market the next morning and called up my sister to see if she wanted to go.  It would be nice to get some berries.  We got there and things sure were different.  No live music, no food vendors, no staying and mingling, and as it turns out, there weren’t even any berries that day.  Yeah, that was a bit of a dud.  But, just as we were leaving, we passed a family where a lady who looked awfully familiar was buckling a child into a stroller.  Her head was facing away from me so I wasn’t sure.  I peeked a look at her son who was standing next to her, and then I was absolutely sure.  “I think that’s Kim Machado right there!” I said out loud.  It is truly a wonderful thing in life to not only run into old friends you haven’t seen in years, but also to have them be as delighted to see you as you are to see them.  Kim was one of my favorite people in my ward in La Grande.  I had one of her daughters in my Sunbeam class and she was one of my sister Tiffany’s Young Women leaders.  She was always so full of life, love and energy. That same life, love and energy just poured out of her and enveloped me as we hugged each other. 

           

           Some may say that meeting was just a coincidence, a delightful one at that, but just a lucky coincidence. But, I believe that a loving Heavenly Father, orchestrated that delightful surprise in answer to a prayer for just one little magic thing to happen.  And…it was another witness of just how much Heavenly Father loves and how well he knows us, because this was just my kind of magic.  Later on the afternoon I received more magic when the chance to take a walk with one of my besties, which is always wonderful.  When I got back from that, Emily was out at the house with Alice and Arthur.  We had fun playing with them.  Our neighbors recently got some little goats, and one was bleating regularly.  All of a sudden and quite randomly, Alice started making a “Ma-aa-ah” sound like the goat over and over again.  She’s never done such a thing before and we were laughing sooo hard. It felt good to laugh like that!

            

            I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior so much.   I know they are in the details of our lives and delight to bless us.   As my friend Mike Rich once said, “God knows our favorite things and whenever possible, he loves to bless us with our favorite things.”

Sunday Thoughts: Sticking with God in All Times and in All Things

            Do you remember the part on the classic “Fiddler on the Roof” where Tzeitel gets married and there is a terrible demonstration by the Russian soldiers? As the soldiers continue to destroy property throughout the village, the family sadly starts cleaning the broken mess of the wedding reception.  In the last moments before the intermission, Tevye looks up towards God as if to say “What the crap was that?” I have never experienced such a thing as was portrayed on that movie as the soldiers wreaked havoc on the village, but I know that such things happen.  I am so grateful to live in a time where I can practice my religion and live my life according to my beliefs.  However, there have been times this year when in a small way, I can relate to the look on Tevye’s face.  

While there were still many magical moments, this past December was a tough month.  As the association between the church and scouts was coming to an end, there was a massive amount of boys (and their moms) who pushed through to get the Eagle Scout rank.  It was an awesome sight to see, but it also made for very busy days.  While many of the people who came in were polite and delightful to work with, as the end of the year got closer, it seemed I couldn’t get through the day without somebody getting upset and proclaiming that they were so glad the church was leaving and couldn’t wait for everything to be over.  I tried to believe that they didn’t know what that did to my heart.  They didn’t understand the worry that pervaded my little office about the future of our jobs.  I was also very busy, writing a Christmas program, doing Young Women activities, working at the temple, amidst other December projects.  There were some personal things going on too. Christmas was a wonderful respite, but by the end of the month I felt worn-out, anxious, and broken. 

            I prayed desperately for relief and it just seemed like things kept getting worse.  My car was hit by another car. I had problems with a friend. I was down twice with terrible stomach issues and came down with a cold which caused pleurisy issues again.  On my way home one night, I decided to stop at DI to look around for a minute.  I had a lot of fun and came out with a new outfit.  I felt peaceful and happy.  I started driving away and within a few minutes, I knew something was wrong.  I had a full tank of gas but my gauge read empty.  The speedometer was going crazy and suddenly the power steering went out.  I pulled over to the side of the road and called my dad.  Both my parents were at a baseball game and didn’t pick up their phones.  It was dark, my car wasn’t working, and I was stranded.  But…strangely, the feeling of peace didn’t go away.  I was calm and had a feeling that everything was going to be okay.  I knew that was the Holy Ghost helping me. The next Saturday my dad and my neighbor worked on my car and put a new battery in.  The problem was gone and I was overjoyed.  I prayed with gratitude for God’s help.  But when I went to go to work that next Monday, it was doing the exact same thing.  Over the next few days, they worked on it and the problem was gone.  My dad drove it to work and I gleefully drove it home, stopping to get a treat to celebrate and rejoice that the problem was really fixed.  Only the next day…it wasn’t.  This happened several times over the next month.  We tried several things.   After one experiment that left the car working, before I left for work I asked my mom to pray with me that the car would work.  It did and I drove to work and back gratefully and with no problems.  The next morning, I asked my mom to pray with me again…and the car had the same problem.  It was about this time that I started having problems with a tooth, which brought a lot more troubles.   

One night I broke down at the kitchen table, telling my dad that I knew Heavenly Father is real, I knew He loves me, but I had no idea what He was doing and it felt like He was far away.  Shortly after that moment, I read something that Al Carraway wrote and it really struck me.  “Listen, I know sometimes life can get crazy or scary or overwhelming or confusing but—your faith and hope and efforts are not in vain.  All of this isn’t just wishful thinking, it’s real. Real-life strengths, real-life promises, real-life God. Take time to step back from what makes logical human sense & remember that our God is much greater than all that. We have a God who is oh so good. He is good because He keeps His promises. Wherever you are and whatever you may be navigating, just remember, God’s promises to us are not only fulfilled, but magnified. Do not let time and trials dim your faith or diminish the truthfulness of His promises to you.  Because OHHH what a feeling it is when we see these phases through & realize that the best things can only come from sticking with God at all times & in all things.” At the end of her thought she quoted this thought “When I can’t see the hand of God, I should trust his heart.  I know what kind of heart he has.  It felt like a message that was inspired just for me.  I had a choice.  Amidst all the craziness, and the uncertainty of the future, amidst all fears and unknowns, I could choose to trust God’s heart.  I had made that choice many times before and wanted to do it again. My prayers became different.  My focus wasn’t the resolution of my problems, but an added expression of trust and a plea for my patience and faith to be strengthened.  I focused on all of the times in my life I had recognized God’s hand and came up with clear moments, spiritually concrete evidence that I was not alone.  Even in the moments when I still couldn’t feel it, I chose to show up because more than anything, I wanted to stick with God at all times and in all things. I paid specific attention to all that was good; all that brought peace.  I prayed gratitude for those things and for all the others, including an aching tooth, and a car that wouldn’t make up its mind if it wanted to stay fixed or not. 

One night I was delivering something to a friend and she mentioned a car repairman who was very reliable and fixed the electrical problems with their car.  We took my car over and he worked on it.  The problem seemed solved and…then it wasn’t.  Finally the diagnosis was that the car computer needed to be replaced.  He found a great deal on the computer and installed it.   Finally, the problem was completely solved…although it took about a week before I really felt secure that it was.  Looking back, I feel so grateful for the lessons I learned during that time.  One lesson was that I had this whole preconceived plan on how things were going to work out, the way Heavenly Father was going to help me.  When that didn’t happen, I felt alone and a little angry.  My expectations weren’t bad, only like a child who wants the sucker right now, when the promise of dessert is in the future if I’ll just wait until dinner.  Everything would be okay, just like I felt that night.  Heavenly Father had prepared the way and until that time, I would learn a lot about patience and trust, and a little more about the maintenance of cars.  The added faith, trust, patience, and ability to see the good was something I needed very much as the pandemic hit and I lost my job.  I am so grateful.

A few weeks ago, I was up during the night due to my dog whining in the kitchen.  I came in to a scene from a horror movie.  He had scratched an irritated and infected bubble on his eye and there was a lot of blood. My first thought was “Heavenly Father, please help me. I don’t know what to do.” I felt comforted and specifically instructed throughout the long night as I took care of him.  Yesterday I went to the Rexburg area for a wedding reception and stopped at the Blackfoot Wal-Mart to walk around for a minute and stretch out my foot that has giving me some trouble.  As I headed into Wal-Mart, the pain became intense and during one of the aisles, I just had to stop because every step I took caused shooting pains through my foot.  My phone was in the car.  I couldn’t call anyone.  “Heavenly Father, please help me.” I said. “I want to get to this reception so badly. Help me to know what to do.” Almost instantly, the pain subsided.  I walked over to the pharmacy praying for instructions on what I would need.  I felt clear instructions in my mind on what to do and I was able to continue on with no other problems.  Sometimes the answers are instant.  Sometimes they are not.  I imagine that I will have other “Tevye” moments in my life, looking towards Heaven and thinking “What the crap was that?” But…I know that God is our Father.  I know He knows much more than I do.  He always has a plan for our happiness. I know He may not fix a problem immediately or ever, but He can ALWAYS consecrate our troubles for our good.  I really hope for the rest of my life whenever I am in trouble, my first thought will always be “Heavenly Father, please help me. I don’t know what to do.” I do know that the best things always come, when we stick with God through all times and in all things.

Sunday Thoughts: Two Constants Amidst a LOT of Change

 I had a job interview a week ago Friday at an eye doctor’s office.  It’s a lovely office with gold-colored décor and a large patch of daisies outside.  The doctors and the staff are very friendly.  The interviewer was very friendly and it all started out well.  She asked me what I like to do and I told her how I love to bake.  I told her about how I would bake for all the birthdays and holidays at the Scout office.  I started to talk about the “Muffin Monday” tradition I created…and then I started to cry. 

            

Muffin Mondays—Oh I loved them. I loved taking out my muffin tins every Sunday evening.  I loved searching for new recipes.  The last few months I adapted recipes my own way and it was always great fun to choose my recipe for the week and what embellishments I wanted to add.  I loved the smells of blueberry, cinnamon, lemon or pumpkin that filled the air every Monday morning.  I loved chatting with my friends as we came into the kitchen to get our muffin hot out of the oven. 

            

Thankfully, my voice just quivered a bit as I told the interviewer and then I recovered myself.  I don’t know if she even noticed as I had to wear a mask why we talked. The rest of the interview went well and then she introduced me the staff and told me that she would be calling people back for second interviews the next week.  I told her that I would love to work with them at their office and looked forward to hearing from her.  And then I went out and got in my car, and started to cry again.  This is just tough.  I miss my job.  I miss my friends.  And, (this is classic “me”) I want what I know.  I want what is comfortable and familiar.  And though I can’t have my job back, as I drove around after that, I thought about the constants amidst so much change. 

           

I thought back to five years ago, when I was at my job at the call center.  While I had good friends and enjoyed them, I was so stressed out at my job, I hadn’t slept through the night in over a year.  I was having other health problems due to stress and dreaded going to work every day.  I prayed desperately for relief in a new job and direction as to where to go next.  I didn’t think I could really do anything but market research. From my limited vision, the world didn’t hold the possibilities it once did. 

            

I hoped there was a job out there waiting for me that would help me feel fulfilled again, like I was contributing something meaningful.  I hoped there was a job where people would be honest and open with me again, and wouldn’t question my motives, where I could trust and be trusted.  I had no idea that God was preparing just such a job at the time.  I had no idea that it would also come in a beautiful office with large windows and a river flowing right outside.  I had no idea that the job would bring me one of my best friends, and several surrogate “big brothers” to watch out for me.  I had no idea that such a job even existed where I would be free to say “Merry Christmas” as much as I wanted during the Christmas season, where I could put a picture of the Savior up on my desk, and where every staff meeting would begin with prayer.  I had no idea that was what God was preparing for me, and all the time…it was right across the street.

          

  It was a wonderful four years, but things didn’t last as long as I hoped they would and I am once again praying and looking for another job.  I know, that God is preparing a place for me, somewhere I need to be for me to grow and somewhere I will be needed.  I have no idea what things will be in store, blessings I didn’t know were even possible. I know there will be tough times, just like there was in the scout office and at every other job…ever. But I know there will be wonderful times.  There will be friendships that will bless my life forever.  There will be happy memories and good times. I know that because I trust Heavenly Father.  I also know that because I trust myself.  In times of change and uncertainty, I can be a constant.  I know it may take a while, but the magic will happen again.  I spent probably about the first six months at the scout office wondering what in the world I had gotten myself into, but gradually the magic happened, and I felt like I was home.  Maybe it won’t be “Muffin Mondays” or “District Executive Appreciation Day” but there will be other traditions, other memories to be made.  Just knowing that, helps to face my fears of the unknown, but gradually let go of the pain of losing my job and let my heart just be filled with good memories.

          

 I didn’t get called back to the doctor’s office for a second interview.  I was disappointed, but am trying to learn from the experience on what I can do better next time.  I know that God is aware of us.  I know he is in the details of our lives and though we at times may not have a plan, he ALWAYS does. Even though it is hard some days, I trust him and know the future is bright!